A Modest Proposal of Marriage

I recieved an assignment in one of my english classes to creatively respond to a literary work produced during the neoclassical or romantic era in England. Well, actually that was just part of what turneded out to be a 22 page report, which I completed in 3 days and with very little sleep. I chose to modernize Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal. If you have never read it, I highly recommend it. For those of you who have read it, I thought I'd share my version. It's long and I don't actually expect anyone to read it, but I had this dual desire to burn or frame my work after finishing. I hope to never repeat this assignment again. Oh wait...I will next semester in my American Literature class.

A Modest Proposal of Marriage

[A note to the reader: The following proposal is equally horrendous and repulsive as Swift’s original modest proposal.]

It is a melancholy object to those who watch the news or read magazines to see husbands with three, four, or six mistresses; wives without the means to support themselves; and children left to fend for themselves in a home without love. These homes, instead of being resident to affection and devotion, are filled with deafening arguments and bitter resentment. Fathers and mothers, in search of fulfillment, are forced to abandon their children, who, as they grow up, either turn promiscuous for want of love, or lack the ability to maintain any kind of substantial relationship or friendship. These youth, together with the mistresses discussed above, are left with children born out of wedlock, socially disgraced, and wholly unable to provide; the thought alone often leads them to abortion. The next generation born, if not aborted, is then more reckless and out of control, indulging in violent behavior, and more likely to suffer from psychological disorders.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of ruined families is, in the present deplorable state of our country, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, effective, and easy method of making these homes and individuals protected from the heartache of abandonment and disappointment would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation, or at the very least a Nobel Prize.

I am not so narrow-minded as to only propose a solution to the ruin of our youth, but also a remedy for grieved spouses trapped in a loveless and mutually intolerable marriage. As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, a married couple finds bliss in the first months of matrimony; at most a year of contentment can be found in the most love-sick; and it is that exact sensation that my proposal will provide for them in such a manner as instead of losing their affection for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the loving, and partly to the rearing, of all humanity.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their children, which is too frequent among us.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing Swede of my acquaintance in California, that an open relationship, never bound and restricted by law, is a most fulfilling, respectful, and unselfish practice, whether employed for a lifetime, long term, or a short-lived relationship, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a one night stand or rendezvous.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that the 2,162,000 marriages in the United States be annulled and made void. This will enable all of those who labor in a fruitless marriage to be released of their obligation and allow them to pursue more consequential relationships elsewhere; it will also protect those considering or approaching entrance into such a confinement of passion from losing their compassion for civilization.

I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of heartaches, which are already overrun, being the principle breeder of misery and our most dangerous enemy of achievement. This anguish will be avoided by the relatively low standard of expectation set; if one does not expect his significant other to be bound to him alone, he will not be surprised or even upset to find that she is indeed not bound.

Secondly, women will no longer need to sacrifice their education to sustain a living while their husbands continue their own; and men will not be pressured to cut their academic pursuits short and start a career in a disappointing field out of obligation for providing. All could accumulate as much education as they could possible want, without the necessity of application.

Thirdly, where as the maintenance of a spouse and household cannot be computed at less than eight hours a day, an individual’s free time will be thereby increased fifty-six hours a week, besides the time gained from lack of sleep due to sharing a bed. A person will then enjoy more personal time to devote to hobbies of self improvement, making herself more interesting, more attractive, and therefore more happy.

Fourthly, individuals can expect an increased annual income, as they will no longer have the responsibility of providing for their spouse’s whimsical wants and needs, for example cookware and maintenance tools.

Fifthly, the country will flourish with an abundance of money, which is being circulated as opposed to saved for impractical things such as engagement rings, minivans, and piano lessons; the economy will then boom with the increased liquidity of assets and will experience a continuous flow of wealth.

Sixthly, men and women would be as fond of their relationships as they are their glossy cars, still smelling fresh from the manufacturer, and would not offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of ruining the leather.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the government will then provide medical and educational benefits, housing, and even religion to all its citizens. It will ensure individuals the freedom to enjoy life without the burden of being reliable to anyone; people will have no immediate responsibilities and no social expectation of duty to live up to. Children will be allowed the same liberties as the adults; they can move freely amongst caregivers as the relationships become mutually irritating. A new mentor will remain a novelty for a time, until that relationship also becomes worn. This practice will allow each individual the experience of nurturing without the nuisance of parenting. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity.

I can think of no one objection that will probably be raised against this proposal, unless it should be the gargantuan increase of taxes. This I freely own, and it was indeed one principal design in offering it to the world, for how can I know better than the government how to squander my earnings? I desire the reader will observe that I calculate my remedy for this nation alone. Therefore let no one talk to me of other expedients till he hath at least one glimpse of hope that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them in practice.


*** “A Modest Proposal of Marriage” is an adaptation of “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift. Formatting, phrases, and whole sentences have been borrowed from the original work.***